January the 2nd, 2011: It was the second day of the first year of my retirement from private investigation. I parked my blue Nash Metropolitan Convertible and walked around the perimeter of the Olive Garden, making sure everything was secure before meeting my cohorts. Force of habit.
I sat down between my two partners from the Force. To my right, sat Moonlight Goose, the eyes of the operation. To my left, Buffalo Betty reclined, the brawn of the operation. Me, the Jellicle Cat, I was the ears of the operation. Operation Soup, Salad, and Breadsticks, that is.
We were never much for small talk, so we surveyed the rabble surrounding the establishment. Moonlight Goose pointed out a shifty broad in a sparkling blue Corvette that looked familiar. None of us could place her, but made a note in the back of our minds to be on the lookout. Something was in the air that night at the Olive Garden. Was it garlic butter? Or just the stench of mediocre Italian food consumed by ordinary church-goers on a Sunday evening?
The Hostess called our number. She said, plain and simple, "This is your table, should you choose to accept it."
We were in no place to argue; the joint was jumpin'. Jumpin' full of Ukranians! Ukranian spies, that is. I saw him in the other room, Fyodor Chauvinistikov, sippin' on his vodka tonic and sucking down a plate of calamari. Surrounded by his entourage of Russian lady-friends, he acted as if this were an ordinary day in the USSR.
He wasn't foolin' Buffalo Betty. "There is no Olive Garden at the USSR!" Her first instinct was to knock him into next Thursday.
But the waitress had other plans. When the Hostess had left, assuring us that Ingrid would be stopping by our table shortly, we were expecting a leggy blonde. Our suspicions that something was up were confirmed when a plump Hispanic dame came to take our drink orders. Knowing we needed to keep our wits about us with all this riff raff swarmin' the joint, we just ordered a round of waters.
As we awaited "Ingrid's" return, a mother at the table adjacent to ours suddenly burst out, "Did you put tape on your watch?!" What did it mean? There was no way of knowing. But no one would say something that ridiculous that loudly.
Moonlight Goose leaned in and whispered, "The duck flies at midnight." It was our code from the good old days back in 2010. Buffalo Betty and I both responded with, "Only on Tuesdays," to confirm that all of our radars were up, and my earpiece was engaged.
The waitress extricated herself from a somber parade of Ukranians exiting the establishment. She was bearing three drinks, but no straws. After taking our orders, she turned toward the kitchen, but then paused.
"The bread is in the oven."
She said it pointedly, her eyes slanted. It meant something.
We had a lot of questions, but no answers. So I decided to take matters into my own hands. I got up and headed into the next room for a chat with Chauvinistikov, but was intercepted by The Gimp. The Gimp was a notorious hitman before that "accident" in the Alps, which left him in desperate need of a career change. I wasn't surprised in the least to find him bussing tables at the Olive Garden. He took me forcefully by the forearm and growled, "How are the breadsticks?" I was no novice. I looked him square in the eye and stated, "In the oven."
He surveyed me for quick moment, then asked, "You gotta reservation?"
"Who's askin'?"
"Chauvinistikov's askin'."
"Well, you tell him that I gotta tell him about the Toscana."
"The Toscana?" he repeated incredulously.
"It's kinda spicy. Tell him not to try."
The Gimp glared and sauntered up to the lousy Son-of-a-Czar and delivered the message. Chauvinistikov's expression remained inscrutable. He sent his lackey back to me to tell me, "He says you can't see him without a reservation."
I returned to my table silently, my head all in a jumble. I related the exchange to Moonlight Goose and Buffalo Betty, but we were no closer to crackin' the case than before the soup was served. Moonlight Goose lamented how rusty we all were after being outta commission for so long. Buffalo Betty replied, "Well at least these guns ain't rusty!"
Immediately following this exclamation, there was an explosion as the doors between the two rooms bust open! The woman with the taped watch squealed, "HE'S GOT A GUN!" amidst screams from small children and cheesy Italian accordion over the loudspeaker.
Chauvinistikov stood in the doorway and said real quiet, "I'm waitin' on a vodka tonic at number nine."
Ingrid, who had failed to bring us a refill on our waters, suddenly reappeared outta nowhere and said, "You're table's not in my section, so you best sit yourself back down." She turned to us surreptitiously and tapped her head with a guest check folder before turning to stare down the womanizing mobster. We took that as the cue to prepare for whatever was comin' next. Buffalo Betty pulled a bazooka out of her knee-high, Moonlight Goose drew her lucky Derringer out of her Coach bag, and I quickly fashioned a shiv out of a drinking straw and Splenda packets.
The waitress and the mobster stood sizin' each other up. Finally, Ingrid broke the tension. "The jig is up, Fyodor. You've been caught red-handed. We tracked down the bootleg copies of Tetris you've been launderin' for years, and your underground stash of Stradivarius violins."
"You betrayed me, Ingrid." the cold-hearted criminal whispered, lowering his gun.
"You brought this on yourself," she said. "Why couldn't you have just stopped at selling tickets to the ballet?"
She pulled some handcuffs out of her pocket and moved to arrest the man. But suddenly, he had a change of heart. Chauvinistikov snapped back into his power stance and said, "Get back to your section or I'll pump your guts full of salad and breadsticks!"
Suddenly, a waiter-in-training turned up to deliver a lemon dessert to the table directly behind Chauvinistikov. He innocently began gabbing to the couple at the table about the delicious lemon drop candy on top of the dish. "Lemon drop?!" Chauvinistikov roared in dismay. He turned on reflex and shot at the waiter. In that flash of a second, Ingrid made her move. She karate-chopped the gun from the mobster's grip and handcuffed him all in one swift motion.
"Happy New Year, you filthy animal," she whispered into his ear. The pair left amidst the cheers of the civilians.
As for the three of us, well, we collected our Andes mints and headed for the door. "I remember when every day was like that," Moonlight Goose mused.
"Fellas, I think it's about time we admit we're gettin' too old for this."
We walked in disquieted silence, when suddenly Buffalo Betty piped up,
"I vote Old Country Buffet next time!"
We shared one last laugh as we parted ways. There was a crossword puzzle that needed solvin' at home.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Why is it STILL raining?!
No new insights today, friends. I have an anecdote. A rather lengthy anecdote. This is The Ranch Diaries of Angie. Let me know what you think of my memoirs.
A family friend asked me to watch their ranch and check on their animals while they go on vacation this week. Even though the drive is far out (about 40 minutes or so), I have the free time during this summer of unemployment, and they assured me that I would only need to travel out there every other day. So I agreed. Now, the hour-by-hour forecast for today claimed that it would most likely rain around 3pm today, so I got ready really quickly after discovering this prediction and headed out around 1:30pm. Well, while I was driving over, it began raining. Perfect. But I kept trying to maintain a healthy outlook, thinking that perhaps the storm was moving toward my town AWAY from the ranch.
WRONG.
I arrived at the front gate around 2pm and it was raining so hard that I couldn't even motivate myself to attempt to get out to open the gate at first. So I proceeded to sit in their front drive like a cr33p hoping that the rain would slow down. After listening to about 3 songs on the radio, I decided that I was really craving a Coke. I contemplated driving back into town to a nearby[-ish] Taco Bell, but then figured that since I had driven all the way out there and that they had given me a key to their house, my friends would not begrudge me a drink in these turbulent times. So I braved the gateway and proceeded to be completely drenched before I even had the chance to meet any of the animals.
Well, that opportunity was soon upon me. When I pulled up to the house, my second Task was to side-step 3 cows that were huddling under the over-hang for shelter. Luckily, they didn't give me much trouble as I entered. I quickly identified the Coca-cola I was looking for, and also found the dryer. I decided that since the weather wasn't promising to let up anytime soon, why not sit through a dry-cycle and attempt to re-claim some dignity, or at least some comfort? So I hung out in this house on a ranch in the middle of the HickTown of my area in my undergarments drinking a Coke for 25 minutes of a dryer cycle.
While I had plenty of time to sit by myself and think, as none of my friends seemed available for a phone chat, I tried my very hardest to apply the principles I wrote about in my blog last month. So I asked myself: What is great about this situation? Well, it's pretty peaceful out here, listening to all the frogs sing to the rain. And thank God I found that dryer AND a Coke, which I did not have to pay for. And, I really don't have much to do at home, so at least I am not sitting around my own home bored, as I have been for much of the summer. So my day was looking pretty decent on the whole.
It was at this point that the rain had dwindled to a slow dribble and my dryer was finished, so I figured it was a safe time to venture out. I relocated to the other house on the property, as it was closer to the majority of the animals, and hung out on the porch for a bit, waiting for the rain to stop completely. After composing an entire improvised song to my best friend whom I could not call to kill time because she is currently in Lebanon, I checked the time and realized that it was now almost 4 o' clock and I really just want to get these animals fed so I could get the heck home. And so, I pulled on the largest pair of concrete boots I could find next to the porch and began trudging around the property, making my rounds to all the inhabitants of the Ranch.
First of all, can I just say that cows always be all up in my bidness. I had to fend them off while feeding the rabbits, to the point where the poor bunnies were so sad that it was raining in their hutch that I neglected to close because Olde Bessie wanted a piece of whatever food I happened to be feeding to the rabbits. But Bessie didn't stop there. Oh no. When I fed the horses, she recruited a friend and blocked me into the horse pen. I had been warned of this potentially happening, though, and threw them some hay as a distraction so I could escape and tend to the others.
Then, I began my search for Baby Klondike. Klondike is officially the only cow on this Ranch that I like. This poor calf has trouble with her legs, so I was asked to find her and give her a bottle of food because she has trouble standing long enough to eat enough on her own. So I trudged up and down the land trying to find Baby Klondike and could not find her anywhere. Mind you, it's still been raining all this time. So now I'm covered in hay and drenched and I'm sloshing around in outrageously large concrete boots yelling to the air that I will NEVER EVER in my entire life live on a farm or a ranch or a rodeo! And my poor innocent inner-child was screaming at the universe: WHY IS IT STILL RAINING?!
After a bit, I gave up on finding the calf and decided it was time to get the heck outta this place. So I headed up to the front of the Ranch again to feed the pigs and then collect the mail and drive far FAR AWAY. Well, go figure, I couldn't find the pig food. And of course, by now, the cows [minus Klondike] have decided to graze right up next to the pigs. At this point I have no more patience, no more positive thoughts, and I'm really really frustrated. I tried to call the Ranch Owner to ask him where to find the food, but neither he nor his wife answered. I traveled back to check both houses to make sure I hadn't missed it, but found nothing. Finally, I broke down and called my Mom. And it was then that I could no longer repress my inner-child and began to cry.
After a bit more searching, my Mother called me a second time and this time, while on the phone with her, I discovered a secret compartment in the pigs' house that I hadn't noticed before that contained their food. It's amazing that I didn't get electrocuted whilst standing in the rain, talking to my Mom, crying, and finding pig fodder. But I hung up and brought the buckets round to feed the silly pigs.
As I turned around to get out of the pigpen, triumphant from the completion of my Final Task, I ran into about 5 cows who were now trying to get into the pigs' food! Seriously, these cows are just greedy little biotches [to quote Juno]! I tried to throw handfuls of pellets at them, but they just stared at me, blinking through the rain. Well, I had come too far to be stuck in a pigpen for another THREE hours [it was now 5:15 or so]. So I pulled the back gate back as much as I possibly could, and used it to climb over the back fence, dodging both a malicious-looking yellow spider and barbed wire that temporarily snagged my concrete boot.
Finally, feeling as weighed down as Frodo carrying the Ring of Power into Mordor, I pulled my Tahoe back through the double gates of the Ranch. I trudged up to the edge of the street to get the mail, and a man passing by in his car proceeded to honk at me.
Really?! You cannot convince me that I looked in any way alluring at this point in time, with my crummiest pair of jeans tucked into muddy galoshes, my hair piled on my head in a soggy dripping mess, and my shirt and arms covered in horse's hay. But hey, whatever gets ya goin, I guess.
So the moral of the story is: Never, ever get a cow for a pet.
A family friend asked me to watch their ranch and check on their animals while they go on vacation this week. Even though the drive is far out (about 40 minutes or so), I have the free time during this summer of unemployment, and they assured me that I would only need to travel out there every other day. So I agreed. Now, the hour-by-hour forecast for today claimed that it would most likely rain around 3pm today, so I got ready really quickly after discovering this prediction and headed out around 1:30pm. Well, while I was driving over, it began raining. Perfect. But I kept trying to maintain a healthy outlook, thinking that perhaps the storm was moving toward my town AWAY from the ranch.
WRONG.
I arrived at the front gate around 2pm and it was raining so hard that I couldn't even motivate myself to attempt to get out to open the gate at first. So I proceeded to sit in their front drive like a cr33p hoping that the rain would slow down. After listening to about 3 songs on the radio, I decided that I was really craving a Coke. I contemplated driving back into town to a nearby[-ish] Taco Bell, but then figured that since I had driven all the way out there and that they had given me a key to their house, my friends would not begrudge me a drink in these turbulent times. So I braved the gateway and proceeded to be completely drenched before I even had the chance to meet any of the animals.
Well, that opportunity was soon upon me. When I pulled up to the house, my second Task was to side-step 3 cows that were huddling under the over-hang for shelter. Luckily, they didn't give me much trouble as I entered. I quickly identified the Coca-cola I was looking for, and also found the dryer. I decided that since the weather wasn't promising to let up anytime soon, why not sit through a dry-cycle and attempt to re-claim some dignity, or at least some comfort? So I hung out in this house on a ranch in the middle of the HickTown of my area in my undergarments drinking a Coke for 25 minutes of a dryer cycle.
While I had plenty of time to sit by myself and think, as none of my friends seemed available for a phone chat, I tried my very hardest to apply the principles I wrote about in my blog last month. So I asked myself: What is great about this situation? Well, it's pretty peaceful out here, listening to all the frogs sing to the rain. And thank God I found that dryer AND a Coke, which I did not have to pay for. And, I really don't have much to do at home, so at least I am not sitting around my own home bored, as I have been for much of the summer. So my day was looking pretty decent on the whole.
It was at this point that the rain had dwindled to a slow dribble and my dryer was finished, so I figured it was a safe time to venture out. I relocated to the other house on the property, as it was closer to the majority of the animals, and hung out on the porch for a bit, waiting for the rain to stop completely. After composing an entire improvised song to my best friend whom I could not call to kill time because she is currently in Lebanon, I checked the time and realized that it was now almost 4 o' clock and I really just want to get these animals fed so I could get the heck home. And so, I pulled on the largest pair of concrete boots I could find next to the porch and began trudging around the property, making my rounds to all the inhabitants of the Ranch.
First of all, can I just say that cows always be all up in my bidness. I had to fend them off while feeding the rabbits, to the point where the poor bunnies were so sad that it was raining in their hutch that I neglected to close because Olde Bessie wanted a piece of whatever food I happened to be feeding to the rabbits. But Bessie didn't stop there. Oh no. When I fed the horses, she recruited a friend and blocked me into the horse pen. I had been warned of this potentially happening, though, and threw them some hay as a distraction so I could escape and tend to the others.
Then, I began my search for Baby Klondike. Klondike is officially the only cow on this Ranch that I like. This poor calf has trouble with her legs, so I was asked to find her and give her a bottle of food because she has trouble standing long enough to eat enough on her own. So I trudged up and down the land trying to find Baby Klondike and could not find her anywhere. Mind you, it's still been raining all this time. So now I'm covered in hay and drenched and I'm sloshing around in outrageously large concrete boots yelling to the air that I will NEVER EVER in my entire life live on a farm or a ranch or a rodeo! And my poor innocent inner-child was screaming at the universe: WHY IS IT STILL RAINING?!
After a bit, I gave up on finding the calf and decided it was time to get the heck outta this place. So I headed up to the front of the Ranch again to feed the pigs and then collect the mail and drive far FAR AWAY. Well, go figure, I couldn't find the pig food. And of course, by now, the cows [minus Klondike] have decided to graze right up next to the pigs. At this point I have no more patience, no more positive thoughts, and I'm really really frustrated. I tried to call the Ranch Owner to ask him where to find the food, but neither he nor his wife answered. I traveled back to check both houses to make sure I hadn't missed it, but found nothing. Finally, I broke down and called my Mom. And it was then that I could no longer repress my inner-child and began to cry.
After a bit more searching, my Mother called me a second time and this time, while on the phone with her, I discovered a secret compartment in the pigs' house that I hadn't noticed before that contained their food. It's amazing that I didn't get electrocuted whilst standing in the rain, talking to my Mom, crying, and finding pig fodder. But I hung up and brought the buckets round to feed the silly pigs.
As I turned around to get out of the pigpen, triumphant from the completion of my Final Task, I ran into about 5 cows who were now trying to get into the pigs' food! Seriously, these cows are just greedy little biotches [to quote Juno]! I tried to throw handfuls of pellets at them, but they just stared at me, blinking through the rain. Well, I had come too far to be stuck in a pigpen for another THREE hours [it was now 5:15 or so]. So I pulled the back gate back as much as I possibly could, and used it to climb over the back fence, dodging both a malicious-looking yellow spider and barbed wire that temporarily snagged my concrete boot.
Finally, feeling as weighed down as Frodo carrying the Ring of Power into Mordor, I pulled my Tahoe back through the double gates of the Ranch. I trudged up to the edge of the street to get the mail, and a man passing by in his car proceeded to honk at me.
Really?! You cannot convince me that I looked in any way alluring at this point in time, with my crummiest pair of jeans tucked into muddy galoshes, my hair piled on my head in a soggy dripping mess, and my shirt and arms covered in horse's hay. But hey, whatever gets ya goin, I guess.
So the moral of the story is: Never, ever get a cow for a pet.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Always look on the bright side of life!
At times when I get really stressed I tend to lose focus on the more positive things of life. I think this happens to most everyone. Well a few days ago, I was talking with my fun uncle, who also happens to be a counselor, and in conversation, I mentioned to him that a friend of mine had once labeled me as "malcontented." I am not very fond of this label because it's not really how I perceive myself and not the best way to be perceived by others. So here is the advice my uncle gave me.
He told me that there are 3 main aspects to altering your perception of your life. The first is Physiology. Maintaining good posture helps you to maintain a healthy outlook. He claims that studies have been done that indicate that it is physically impossible to hold onto a negative thought while sitting up straight. Try it right now, I dare you!
The second thing we can alter is our Focus. It's the whole mind over matter principle. We can choose to focus on a different aspect of a problem to maintain a positive outlook. For example, I went to this coffee shop today called the Daily Grind. I went up to the counter and asked the woman working if they were hiring. When she informed me that they were not, I said, "OK, well I will order a coffee anyway!" After ordering a delicious espresso blend of caramel, macadamia nuts, and mocha, the woman decided to take down my name and phone number in case any jobs become available in the future! I wasn't really trying to win her over or anything, I just wanted to make the most of the situation.
My favorite part of this discussion with my uncle, was when he told me that he used to be a "glass half-empty kinda guy" himself. So when he learned these principles, he trained himself to start looking at a potentially crappy situation and saying to himself, "What is great about this situation?" He then told me an anecdote. He said that one day he was leaving his office in the city to travel several hours to his farmhouse home. It was the middle of winter in a northern state. When he left his office, it was 4 degrees outside. Not only was it 4 degrees, but he was wearing thin clothing in order to be business-appropriate. He started driving home in an old crummy car that doesn't have a functioning heating system. And of course, on the way back, this diesel car broke down. He was still miles from home in the freezing cold.
So he asked himself, "What's great about this situation? Well, I've got an awesome wife back home that I can depend on to answer the phone! Also, the stars out here are amazing! I would never have been able to see these in the city with all the light pollution!" Apparently, he spent a good amount of time admiring God's creation and praying while waiting for his wife to come help him get home. I love how even though being positive didn't change his circumstances, he was able to have a good experience and a great story because he altered his focus.
The final way we can think more positively is by altering our Language. While expression is important, the words we choose to use affect our outlook as well as reflect how we are thinking. If our first reaction whenever our car breaks down or we're forced to do that job we hate (for me, it's vacuuming), or we don't get that thing we really really wanted is "This sucks," then we will continue to perpetuate the thought that "this sucks." But if we begin to hold back those types of statements and think about the positive possibilities this opportunity presents, we can begin to see the world from a fresh perspective.
So from here on out, I vow to view challenges in life not as obstacles, but as opportunities. Because when one thing just doesn't seem to be working out, it opens up the possibility for something new and good to take place.
Quote of the Day:
"Hey, I started out mopping the floor just like you guys. But now... now I'm washing lettuce. Soon I'll be on fries; then the grill. And pretty soon, I'll make assistant manager, and that's when the big bucks start rolling in. "
-Maurice, Coming to America
He told me that there are 3 main aspects to altering your perception of your life. The first is Physiology. Maintaining good posture helps you to maintain a healthy outlook. He claims that studies have been done that indicate that it is physically impossible to hold onto a negative thought while sitting up straight. Try it right now, I dare you!
The second thing we can alter is our Focus. It's the whole mind over matter principle. We can choose to focus on a different aspect of a problem to maintain a positive outlook. For example, I went to this coffee shop today called the Daily Grind. I went up to the counter and asked the woman working if they were hiring. When she informed me that they were not, I said, "OK, well I will order a coffee anyway!" After ordering a delicious espresso blend of caramel, macadamia nuts, and mocha, the woman decided to take down my name and phone number in case any jobs become available in the future! I wasn't really trying to win her over or anything, I just wanted to make the most of the situation.
My favorite part of this discussion with my uncle, was when he told me that he used to be a "glass half-empty kinda guy" himself. So when he learned these principles, he trained himself to start looking at a potentially crappy situation and saying to himself, "What is great about this situation?" He then told me an anecdote. He said that one day he was leaving his office in the city to travel several hours to his farmhouse home. It was the middle of winter in a northern state. When he left his office, it was 4 degrees outside. Not only was it 4 degrees, but he was wearing thin clothing in order to be business-appropriate. He started driving home in an old crummy car that doesn't have a functioning heating system. And of course, on the way back, this diesel car broke down. He was still miles from home in the freezing cold.
So he asked himself, "What's great about this situation? Well, I've got an awesome wife back home that I can depend on to answer the phone! Also, the stars out here are amazing! I would never have been able to see these in the city with all the light pollution!" Apparently, he spent a good amount of time admiring God's creation and praying while waiting for his wife to come help him get home. I love how even though being positive didn't change his circumstances, he was able to have a good experience and a great story because he altered his focus.
The final way we can think more positively is by altering our Language. While expression is important, the words we choose to use affect our outlook as well as reflect how we are thinking. If our first reaction whenever our car breaks down or we're forced to do that job we hate (for me, it's vacuuming), or we don't get that thing we really really wanted is "This sucks," then we will continue to perpetuate the thought that "this sucks." But if we begin to hold back those types of statements and think about the positive possibilities this opportunity presents, we can begin to see the world from a fresh perspective.
So from here on out, I vow to view challenges in life not as obstacles, but as opportunities. Because when one thing just doesn't seem to be working out, it opens up the possibility for something new and good to take place.
Quote of the Day:
"Hey, I started out mopping the floor just like you guys. But now... now I'm washing lettuce. Soon I'll be on fries; then the grill. And pretty soon, I'll make assistant manager, and that's when the big bucks start rolling in. "
-Maurice, Coming to America
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
There's Beauty in the Breakdown
A very good and wise friend of mine once told me that I need to let things go. That I hold onto things that hurt me for too long. After some thought, I decided he was right and took steps to apply this idea. And since my blog tends to be epiphany-driven, I wanted to share with my readers.
The only problem is: how do I write about how to let go? Most things in life are a process, but letting go is just something we have to do.
See I started to make a list, but this is all I got:
Step 1. Let it go.
Step 2. Don't let the hatas stop you from doin' yo thang!
Crap always happens in life. We decide what we do with it. Sometimes we bring it on ourselves and look back and say, "Man, I was a freakin idiot for doing that!" Other times people just treat us like crap because they have no respect for others. But in the end, we can't stop how anyone treats us. We can't stop life from happening and not everything in our lives is wonderful. But life keeps going. And so must we.
Quotes of the Day:
"That's life. Sometimes it f*$&ing hurts. But it's sorta all we've got."
-Sam, Garden State
“So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we’ll never know most of them. But even if we don’t have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel ok about them.”
-Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower
And to close, a song!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xgcIpKL86Jk
The only problem is: how do I write about how to let go? Most things in life are a process, but letting go is just something we have to do.
See I started to make a list, but this is all I got:
Step 1. Let it go.
Step 2. Don't let the hatas stop you from doin' yo thang!
Crap always happens in life. We decide what we do with it. Sometimes we bring it on ourselves and look back and say, "Man, I was a freakin idiot for doing that!" Other times people just treat us like crap because they have no respect for others. But in the end, we can't stop how anyone treats us. We can't stop life from happening and not everything in our lives is wonderful. But life keeps going. And so must we.
Quotes of the Day:
"That's life. Sometimes it f*$&ing hurts. But it's sorta all we've got."
-Sam, Garden State
“So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we’ll never know most of them. But even if we don’t have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel ok about them.”
-Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower
And to close, a song!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xgcIpKL86Jk
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Diva is a female version of a hustla
So I have a Voice Recital coming up next month. I'm going to level with all of my followers and openly admit that I am incredibly nervous about it. Performing is not what drives my passion for music in any way, shape, or form. However, it is a necessary evil in this world and without this recital, no degree for me. So I will grin and bear it.
But the inevitability has been stressing me out, as of late.
I recall a specific instance in which I was driving back to school from home, listening to Beyonce Live in Las Vegas and the pressure was coming over me as I traveled. I was thinking about all of the things I had to get done for the next couple of weeks and all of a sudden the reality of this recital came over me: all of the fancy-schmancy clothes, and people sitting in the audience, and lights, and what in the heck will happen if I suddenly blank on all of my dang Schubert lyrics like that one time in my jury.....?
And then I suddenly asked myself: What would Beyonce do?
Answer: She would create a bo$$ persona.
So that is what I intend to do. I will create a Classical Singing Diva who will emerge each and every time I step onstage in the future. I would like all of you to give up a warm, but classy and reserved welcome, for:
Katerina Anastasia Ofukany Caswell
Katerina Anastasia loves horseback riding (side-saddle, of course) through vineyards. Wine tasting is a pastime, not a hobby for her. She always has opera binoculars on-hand, because you never, ever want to miss an opportunity to enjoy the show! Katerina refuses to ever speak above an acceptable volume to preserve her voice for each and every singing opportunity. Every action she chooses is determined through the possibility of how it will affect her future performances. She IS a great singer and performer and ALWAYS delivers. Bel canto technique is her normal breathing pattern, thank you very much, and she always maintains the utmost self-control over her breathing mechanism.
And furthermore, a fifteen minute Studio Recital in some remote venue is merely a warm-up exercise for her very important, 3 hour long recital at Carnegie Hall for the President of the United States himself. The guest of honor will be the Prime Minister of Great Britain, of course.
So with all of that pretension, who in the world has time for nerves? This recital ain't no thang!!
Quote of the Day:
"I live in a pied-a-terre apartment in New York with my husband. He's in the stock market, so we travel around the country visiting other stock markets."
-Angie, Baby Mama
But the inevitability has been stressing me out, as of late.
I recall a specific instance in which I was driving back to school from home, listening to Beyonce Live in Las Vegas and the pressure was coming over me as I traveled. I was thinking about all of the things I had to get done for the next couple of weeks and all of a sudden the reality of this recital came over me: all of the fancy-schmancy clothes, and people sitting in the audience, and lights, and what in the heck will happen if I suddenly blank on all of my dang Schubert lyrics like that one time in my jury.....?
And then I suddenly asked myself: What would Beyonce do?
Answer: She would create a bo$$ persona.
So that is what I intend to do. I will create a Classical Singing Diva who will emerge each and every time I step onstage in the future. I would like all of you to give up a warm, but classy and reserved welcome, for:
Katerina Anastasia Ofukany Caswell
Katerina Anastasia loves horseback riding (side-saddle, of course) through vineyards. Wine tasting is a pastime, not a hobby for her. She always has opera binoculars on-hand, because you never, ever want to miss an opportunity to enjoy the show! Katerina refuses to ever speak above an acceptable volume to preserve her voice for each and every singing opportunity. Every action she chooses is determined through the possibility of how it will affect her future performances. She IS a great singer and performer and ALWAYS delivers. Bel canto technique is her normal breathing pattern, thank you very much, and she always maintains the utmost self-control over her breathing mechanism.
And furthermore, a fifteen minute Studio Recital in some remote venue is merely a warm-up exercise for her very important, 3 hour long recital at Carnegie Hall for the President of the United States himself. The guest of honor will be the Prime Minister of Great Britain, of course.
So with all of that pretension, who in the world has time for nerves? This recital ain't no thang!!
Quote of the Day:
"I live in a pied-a-terre apartment in New York with my husband. He's in the stock market, so we travel around the country visiting other stock markets."
-Angie, Baby Mama
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
How to Become a Gangster by Guest Blogger Kyle Walding
My hxc friend Kyle wrote this guide that is essential to a successful life. I hope you enjoy :).
How to Become a Gangster (compiled from multiple sources, namely Angie Caswell)
It is a daily struggle for those of us who were not born as street thugs or gangsters, and most of us, at one point in our lives or another, want to dabble in the devious lifestyle of the gangster. Well fret no more, mere "white boy/girl", for I will teach you how to master the swagger of your typical homie.
1. When spelling the word "boss", you must always use a dollar sign for each "s". - "BO$$". Actually, it's probably a good idea just to never use "s", and in its place, simply use a dollar sign.
2. When assigning yourself a "gangsta'" name, use objects/words which
A) represent modern society's materialistic focus, i.e. "money" (or perhaps assign an age to the object, such as "young money"),
B) are used in vernacular rather than literary language, i.e. "chill", "dawg", or "homie",
or C) simply drop all the letters of your name except the first, and add an adjective before, i.e. lil' j, big d, etc. Try to avoid adjectives such as "esoteric" and "fastidious", for they may insult others (see # 6).
3. It's important also LOOK like a gangster in order to convey a "legit" image, if you will. Make sure to purchase clothes that are too large for you, and wear them without any accessories that aid in holding them up, i.e. a belt. Accessories such as gold chains, gold teeth, and stolen gold jewelry are a must. On your top half, you should wear shirts which would fit the fat man at the mall. At the same store where you bought your pants, you will find the bright colors that are a necessity to successful gangsta dress. Oranges, yellows, and greens are especially good. T-shirts are acceptable, provided they have sleeves that reach halfway down your forearm, and that they come at least halfway down your thigh. Sweatshirts should be almost as long, and have either Nike or Fubu emblazoned across the front. Never, EVER get caught dead in a sweater.
Jackets are easy. All you need is something that's shiny, bright, and looks like it would fit a 300-pound Eskimo, as well as be suitable for said Eskimo's environmental surroundings. Also, make sure to get at least one poorly-done tattoo. The dirtier the needle, the more bo$$ you are.
4. Mastering the quotidian pursuits of the American gangster serve as enough of a challenge, but it's only half the battle! Understanding and acquiring the speech of a gangster is vital to a proper image. Try these tips:
A) try to use four-letter words (yes, the derogatory ones) within a few seconds of each other. If you leave them out for too long, your diction will immediately lose its appeal.
B) omit from your vernacular unnecessary connective words and prepositions such as "and", "of", and "to".
C) ensure that no word, when spoken, contains all of its original syllables.
5. Always carry a switchblade, and threaten to "cut" people often. Expect to hear it from your "homies" on a daily basis.
6. Ignorance. The key to mastering the gangster persona is to remain as ignorant as possible in all social endeavors. Start to overreact to things that your coworkers and colleagues say, and immediately assume that you are being insulted. Because you always have a switchblade on hand, people will think twice before "disrespectin'" you.
7. As a supplement to 6, become overly concerned with being "respected" in your social network. As aforementioned, if you're not sure what someone is saying to you, it is an insult, which disrespects both you and your homies, and quite possibly your mother.
8. Represent. Pick a side: west or east. To demonstrate your undying allegiance to the Westside, cross the two middle fingers on one hand, and wave that hand about profusely. The Eastside sign is formed by turning the previously-made W sideways. Before flashing such signs, ensure that you are in the presence of people representing the same allegiance, or you will get "cut" (see # 5).
9. Music. Well, at least that's what the gangsters call it, although I tend to classify them separately. Begin to listen to "music" with lyrics that would make your conservative grandmother weep. The diction should be void of tact, disrespectful, chauvinistic, explicit, raunchy, and should be difficult to discern from the small amount of treble that exists in the song which is drowned out by the excessive bass.
10. Have fun with it! Jump into an exciting new lifestyle armed with a switchblade, your ignorance, and your new outlook.
Quote of the Day:
"This ain't no picnic, bitch!!"
-PJ, Malibu's Most Wanted
How to Become a Gangster (compiled from multiple sources, namely Angie Caswell)
It is a daily struggle for those of us who were not born as street thugs or gangsters, and most of us, at one point in our lives or another, want to dabble in the devious lifestyle of the gangster. Well fret no more, mere "white boy/girl", for I will teach you how to master the swagger of your typical homie.
1. When spelling the word "boss", you must always use a dollar sign for each "s". - "BO$$". Actually, it's probably a good idea just to never use "s", and in its place, simply use a dollar sign.
2. When assigning yourself a "gangsta'" name, use objects/words which
A) represent modern society's materialistic focus, i.e. "money" (or perhaps assign an age to the object, such as "young money"),
B) are used in vernacular rather than literary language, i.e. "chill", "dawg", or "homie",
or C) simply drop all the letters of your name except the first, and add an adjective before, i.e. lil' j, big d, etc. Try to avoid adjectives such as "esoteric" and "fastidious", for they may insult others (see # 6).
3. It's important also LOOK like a gangster in order to convey a "legit" image, if you will. Make sure to purchase clothes that are too large for you, and wear them without any accessories that aid in holding them up, i.e. a belt. Accessories such as gold chains, gold teeth, and stolen gold jewelry are a must. On your top half, you should wear shirts which would fit the fat man at the mall. At the same store where you bought your pants, you will find the bright colors that are a necessity to successful gangsta dress. Oranges, yellows, and greens are especially good. T-shirts are acceptable, provided they have sleeves that reach halfway down your forearm, and that they come at least halfway down your thigh. Sweatshirts should be almost as long, and have either Nike or Fubu emblazoned across the front. Never, EVER get caught dead in a sweater.
Jackets are easy. All you need is something that's shiny, bright, and looks like it would fit a 300-pound Eskimo, as well as be suitable for said Eskimo's environmental surroundings. Also, make sure to get at least one poorly-done tattoo. The dirtier the needle, the more bo$$ you are.
4. Mastering the quotidian pursuits of the American gangster serve as enough of a challenge, but it's only half the battle! Understanding and acquiring the speech of a gangster is vital to a proper image. Try these tips:
A) try to use four-letter words (yes, the derogatory ones) within a few seconds of each other. If you leave them out for too long, your diction will immediately lose its appeal.
B) omit from your vernacular unnecessary connective words and prepositions such as "and", "of", and "to".
C) ensure that no word, when spoken, contains all of its original syllables.
5. Always carry a switchblade, and threaten to "cut" people often. Expect to hear it from your "homies" on a daily basis.
6. Ignorance. The key to mastering the gangster persona is to remain as ignorant as possible in all social endeavors. Start to overreact to things that your coworkers and colleagues say, and immediately assume that you are being insulted. Because you always have a switchblade on hand, people will think twice before "disrespectin'" you.
7. As a supplement to 6, become overly concerned with being "respected" in your social network. As aforementioned, if you're not sure what someone is saying to you, it is an insult, which disrespects both you and your homies, and quite possibly your mother.
8. Represent. Pick a side: west or east. To demonstrate your undying allegiance to the Westside, cross the two middle fingers on one hand, and wave that hand about profusely. The Eastside sign is formed by turning the previously-made W sideways. Before flashing such signs, ensure that you are in the presence of people representing the same allegiance, or you will get "cut" (see # 5).
9. Music. Well, at least that's what the gangsters call it, although I tend to classify them separately. Begin to listen to "music" with lyrics that would make your conservative grandmother weep. The diction should be void of tact, disrespectful, chauvinistic, explicit, raunchy, and should be difficult to discern from the small amount of treble that exists in the song which is drowned out by the excessive bass.
10. Have fun with it! Jump into an exciting new lifestyle armed with a switchblade, your ignorance, and your new outlook.
Quote of the Day:
"This ain't no picnic, bitch!!"
-PJ, Malibu's Most Wanted
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Be Fierce, Lady. Work!
For Christmas, I received Fierce Style: How to be Your Most Fabulous Self by Project Runway winner Christian Siriano. It's a terrific read, not only because it sounds like you are having a one on one conversation with the designer, but because I completely agree with his ideas. For Christian Siriano, being fierce is not only about wearing designer brands from head to toe & being a New York fashionista. Being fierce is also about inner confidence. It's about being and loving yourself, and proudly allowing your self-image to shine through to the world. One tip that he offers is to take part in those little activities and details that are distinctly You [even if others say they are cheesy or stupid]. So here is my list of Angie's Fierceness:
1. Mac n Cheese - I don't care how processed the cheese is, or how unhealthy it may be, a magnificent bowl of mac n cheese always makes my day.
2. FIRM Workout Videos - Yeah, they're pretty corny, but they are an outstanding workout plan & have made me into the person I am today.
3. Rap Music - Yes. I know I am the whitest, most innocent-looking girl ever. And yes, I know Rap lyrics completely counter everything I say about how men should treat women. But I love that stuff anyway.
4. Drinking Coffee Every Day - I KNOW that drinking caffeine is one of the WORST things for a vocalist, but the smell of Hazelnut wins me over every time. I'll just compensate with plenty of water later ;)!
5. Saying "Don't let the hatas stop you from doin' yo thang!"
6. The Movie Mean Girls - "She's fabulous, but she's evil." "Hey! Get out of here!" "Danny Devito I love your work!!!"
7. Singing at the Top of my Lungs when I'm Alone - I love learning how loud I can actually be without any critics around.
8. My Banana Republic Glasses - Possibly one of the most fabulous items in my wardrobe. I considered never wearing contacts again when I realized how fierce they are.
9. My Hair - I love that it always looks good, even when I put in NO effort to style it, whatsoever! (BTW: "I'm sorry people are so jealous of me. But I can't help it that I'm popular.")
10. Knowing that even though I am a Soprano, I can sing a Low F - 3 ledger lines below the Treble Staff, people!
So now, anyone who reads this, I encourage you to recognize your own Fierceness. Do it now! It's so much fun :).
Quote of the Day:
"Stephanie, I have to tell you something. You are a tranny, who looks like a hot mess. And not in a good way. You're a tickity-tack, tranny hot mess, Super Tranny, from Trannsylvania who is not apologizing for it!"
-Amy Poehler, impersonating Christian Siriano on Saturday Night Live
1. Mac n Cheese - I don't care how processed the cheese is, or how unhealthy it may be, a magnificent bowl of mac n cheese always makes my day.
2. FIRM Workout Videos - Yeah, they're pretty corny, but they are an outstanding workout plan & have made me into the person I am today.
3. Rap Music - Yes. I know I am the whitest, most innocent-looking girl ever. And yes, I know Rap lyrics completely counter everything I say about how men should treat women. But I love that stuff anyway.
4. Drinking Coffee Every Day - I KNOW that drinking caffeine is one of the WORST things for a vocalist, but the smell of Hazelnut wins me over every time. I'll just compensate with plenty of water later ;)!
5. Saying "Don't let the hatas stop you from doin' yo thang!"
6. The Movie Mean Girls - "She's fabulous, but she's evil." "Hey! Get out of here!" "Danny Devito I love your work!!!"
7. Singing at the Top of my Lungs when I'm Alone - I love learning how loud I can actually be without any critics around.
8. My Banana Republic Glasses - Possibly one of the most fabulous items in my wardrobe. I considered never wearing contacts again when I realized how fierce they are.
9. My Hair - I love that it always looks good, even when I put in NO effort to style it, whatsoever! (BTW: "I'm sorry people are so jealous of me. But I can't help it that I'm popular.")
10. Knowing that even though I am a Soprano, I can sing a Low F - 3 ledger lines below the Treble Staff, people!
So now, anyone who reads this, I encourage you to recognize your own Fierceness. Do it now! It's so much fun :).
Quote of the Day:
"Stephanie, I have to tell you something. You are a tranny, who looks like a hot mess. And not in a good way. You're a tickity-tack, tranny hot mess, Super Tranny, from Trannsylvania who is not apologizing for it!"
-Amy Poehler, impersonating Christian Siriano on Saturday Night Live
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
New Year's Determination
"Congratulations, you've just finished FIRM Complete Aerobics and Weightlifting."
Those are some of the most beautiful words I've ever heard. I love to workout, I really do. But it's tiring & it takes commitment. And I admit, I have slacked on that commitment lately.
But when I came home for Christmas Break, I vowed that I would slack no more! I began working out again. My goal was 3 times a week, plus daily dog walking. Well..it's been twice a week successfully, but that's still an improvement from this whole semester.
Finishing the FIRM Complete Aerobics and Weightlifting video was one of the most challenging things I've ever done. It's frustrating to know that you used to be able to do something with skill, ease, and grace, and now find yourself panting & sweating and feeling as far from grace as humanly possible.
But I pressed on. And I completed that video.
And afterward, I felt empowered. Yes, it was grueling. Yes, it sucked. Yes, if anyone had seen me doing that workout I would have felt ashamed. But I no longer care.
Cuz you know what? Life is hard. It doesn't always come so easy. But I will keep going. I'm going to be strong and fight hard because I am determined to come out on top of whatever challenges await me.
So look out you hatas in 2010! Angie Caswell is a fighter! So get on my level or get outta my way!
Quote of the Day:
Cady: She was so queer. She was all, "I'm a pusher, Cady. I'm a pusher!"
Regina: Haha! What does that even mean?!
Gretchen: Like a drug pusher?
Mean Girls also known as: The Greatest Movie of All Time
Those are some of the most beautiful words I've ever heard. I love to workout, I really do. But it's tiring & it takes commitment. And I admit, I have slacked on that commitment lately.
But when I came home for Christmas Break, I vowed that I would slack no more! I began working out again. My goal was 3 times a week, plus daily dog walking. Well..it's been twice a week successfully, but that's still an improvement from this whole semester.
Finishing the FIRM Complete Aerobics and Weightlifting video was one of the most challenging things I've ever done. It's frustrating to know that you used to be able to do something with skill, ease, and grace, and now find yourself panting & sweating and feeling as far from grace as humanly possible.
But I pressed on. And I completed that video.
And afterward, I felt empowered. Yes, it was grueling. Yes, it sucked. Yes, if anyone had seen me doing that workout I would have felt ashamed. But I no longer care.
Cuz you know what? Life is hard. It doesn't always come so easy. But I will keep going. I'm going to be strong and fight hard because I am determined to come out on top of whatever challenges await me.
So look out you hatas in 2010! Angie Caswell is a fighter! So get on my level or get outta my way!
Quote of the Day:
Cady: She was so queer. She was all, "I'm a pusher, Cady. I'm a pusher!"
Regina: Haha! What does that even mean?!
Gretchen: Like a drug pusher?
Mean Girls also known as: The Greatest Movie of All Time
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