How to Become a Gangster by Guest Blogger Kyle Walding

My hxc friend Kyle wrote this guide that is essential to a successful life. I hope you enjoy :).


How to Become a Gangster (compiled from multiple sources, namely Angie Caswell)

It is a daily struggle for those of us who were not born as street thugs or gangsters, and most of us, at one point in our lives or another, want to dabble in the devious lifestyle of the gangster. Well fret no more, mere "white boy/girl", for I will teach you how to master the swagger of your typical homie.

1. When spelling the word "boss", you must always use a dollar sign for each "s". - "BO$$". Actually, it's probably a good idea just to never use "s", and in its place, simply use a dollar sign.

2. When assigning yourself a "gangsta'" name, use objects/words which
A) represent modern society's materialistic focus, i.e. "money" (or perhaps assign an age to the object, such as "young money"),
B) are used in vernacular rather than literary language, i.e. "chill", "dawg", or "homie",
or C) simply drop all the letters of your name except the first, and add an adjective before, i.e. lil' j, big d, etc. Try to avoid adjectives such as "esoteric" and "fastidious", for they may insult others (see # 6).

3. It's important also LOOK like a gangster in order to convey a "legit" image, if you will. Make sure to purchase clothes that are too large for you, and wear them without any accessories that aid in holding them up, i.e. a belt. Accessories such as gold chains, gold teeth, and stolen gold jewelry are a must. On your top half, you should wear shirts which would fit the fat man at the mall. At the same store where you bought your pants, you will find the bright colors that are a necessity to successful gangsta dress. Oranges, yellows, and greens are especially good. T-shirts are acceptable, provided they have sleeves that reach halfway down your forearm, and that they come at least halfway down your thigh. Sweatshirts should be almost as long, and have either Nike or Fubu emblazoned across the front. Never, EVER get caught dead in a sweater.
Jackets are easy. All you need is something that's shiny, bright, and looks like it would fit a 300-pound Eskimo, as well as be suitable for said Eskimo's environmental surroundings. Also, make sure to get at least one poorly-done tattoo. The dirtier the needle, the more bo$$ you are.

4. Mastering the quotidian pursuits of the American gangster serve as enough of a challenge, but it's only half the battle! Understanding and acquiring the speech of a gangster is vital to a proper image. Try these tips:
A) try to use four-letter words (yes, the derogatory ones) within a few seconds of each other. If you leave them out for too long, your diction will immediately lose its appeal.
B) omit from your vernacular unnecessary connective words and prepositions such as "and", "of", and "to".
C) ensure that no word, when spoken, contains all of its original syllables.

5. Always carry a switchblade, and threaten to "cut" people often. Expect to hear it from your "homies" on a daily basis.

6. Ignorance. The key to mastering the gangster persona is to remain as ignorant as possible in all social endeavors. Start to overreact to things that your coworkers and colleagues say, and immediately assume that you are being insulted. Because you always have a switchblade on hand, people will think twice before "disrespectin'" you.

7. As a supplement to 6, become overly concerned with being "respected" in your social network. As aforementioned, if you're not sure what someone is saying to you, it is an insult, which disrespects both you and your homies, and quite possibly your mother.

8. Represent. Pick a side: west or east. To demonstrate your undying allegiance to the Westside, cross the two middle fingers on one hand, and wave that hand about profusely. The Eastside sign is formed by turning the previously-made W sideways. Before flashing such signs, ensure that you are in the presence of people representing the same allegiance, or you will get "cut" (see # 5).

9. Music. Well, at least that's what the gangsters call it, although I tend to classify them separately. Begin to listen to "music" with lyrics that would make your conservative grandmother weep. The diction should be void of tact, disrespectful, chauvinistic, explicit, raunchy, and should be difficult to discern from the small amount of treble that exists in the song which is drowned out by the excessive bass.

10. Have fun with it! Jump into an exciting new lifestyle armed with a switchblade, your ignorance, and your new outlook.



Quote of the Day:
"This ain't no picnic, bitch!!"
-PJ, Malibu's Most Wanted